New Rules, New York

For a more equitable and just New York City, I suggest the following policies be enacted immediately:

  1. If small business establishments refuse or deny access to restroom facilities, I reserve my right as a flesh-and-blood human
    being to pee on the side of the building.
  2. Irresponsible and unnecessary honking will be punishable by a suspended license and chopping off of hands at the wrist.
  3. “Recommended Price” means Recommended Price. Any Met patron who receives an accusatory glance from staff is entitled to $10 recommended compensation.
  4. A natural partition between normal New Yorkers and hipsters via a two-borough solution. Two boroughs for two people. So long
    as they stay in Brooklyn, I have no problem with them.
  5. La Guardia and JFK should double their operational runways, bringing it to a stunning total of four.
  6. For the sake of uninterrupted rest, homeless people should be encouraged to ride the single subway line on Staten Island.
  7. Hardback and paperback books placed on the endangered species list.
  8. A cap and trade policy for cocktails and coffee, $15 and $2 respectively.
  9. Free grocery delivery.
  10. Promote free trade: Shake Shack for In’n Out

Bloomberg, make this happen and you have my vote.

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