Asian Men, White Men and the Asian Woman: Musings of Woe and Hope

A few months ago, I was having BBQ with a few friends and I met a girl who had some unflattering things to say about Asian guys.

She, being an Asian girl, said that she preferred White guys because Asian guys were too big of pussies to pursue her.

She was all class, as you might imagine.

When anyone gets lumped into sweeping generalizations or stereotypes, it doesn’t feel good. On most days, my natural instinct would have taken over which is to be defensive and openly hostile to this gasbag.

But for some reason, on this day, I froze. I sort of just nodded along, shook my head and continued on with my pork ribs.

She touched a nerve, but it wasn’t the one you might think.

I remember asking myself…Was she right?

People say that New York City is the interracial dating capital of the world and they would be right. Everyday, you see mixed-raced couples and I think that’s great. New York women especially. They like to strut around, Prada in one hand, an exotic Moroccan man in the other…It’s all part of the image carefully laid out by Carrie Bradshaw and her hungry pack of cougars.

Asian women play the game too. Dare I say that, by my observation, the majority of Asian-American women in the city are dating guys who aren’t Asian.

Asian guys on the other hand… I can remember maybe three or four times this whole year when I’ve seen them walking around with a girl who wasn’t Asian.

It begs the question…

What the fuck?

Thinking about this made me confront a couple deeply embedded biases and emotions.

First, I find that I have a generally low opinion of Asian men; I’m pretty hard on them as a group. Most of the time, I catch myself sizing them up, looking on with disdain…as if their failure was my failure.

Yo…man. You gotta be wearing those shoes? You’re really going to wear that sweater vest?


My man, can you stop nodding like a bobblehead? And why are you smiling so much? You look like you’re in desperate need of approval. STOP LOWERING YOURSELF.

I find that I have very little patience with un-cool Asian guys, especially the loud un-cool Asian guys.

It would seem that I have an implicit bias against my own people.

The second gut-shot sting I get from time to time is when I come across an Asian girl dating a White guy. I’m not sure how many guys agree with me here but see if this is at all familiar.

When I see an Asian girl with a White guy, I’m confronted with a gamut of emotions that hits me in a fleeting but poignant second only to retract into cool indifference as quickly as it appeared. (And I have to stress that this is a momentary lightning bolt of emotional charge. It’s not like I dwell on it).

Recently, I tried to document this strange wave of emotions by letting it linger for a moment longer. Simultaneously, I felt sadness, bitterness, resignation, frustration, inadequacy with a hint of jealousy.

Of these, I think the most surprising and, at the same time, most revealing emotion was the sense of inadequacy.

Inadequacy? Really? Why do I feel inadequate when I see an Asian girl, who I don’t even know, dating a White guy, who I don’t even know?

It’s interesting when you think about it because it’s a collective, not individual, sense of inadequacy. I believe—and you might disagree with me on this point—that we are naturally attracted to people similar to ourselves in race, ethnicity, background, class, or some other categorical distinction.

This isn’t to say that a person can’t be attracted to someone different from themselves…this happens all the time, of course.

What I’m arguing is that Asian guys should naturally have at least an inside track based on the fact that they share a similar ethnic identity. “If all else fails in a cocktail conversation, bring up your roots” sort of thing.

So by that premise, when I observe this unprecedented number of Asian women who choose White men (bombarded as I am in New York), I’m confronted by a collective sense of, “Shit, where did we go wrong? How did we lose that competitive advantage?”, as momentary as this reaction might be.

Silly as it sounds, this feeling of inadequacy is compounded by the fact that the majority of these White guys have eerily similar traits that are stereotypically assigned to Asian men. They tend to be on the softer, more sensitive side. Generally nice, neat guys who are leaner, smile more…

In other words, guys who look like this…

Or this…

Put another way, you don’t see many White guys who look like this…

With girls who look like this…

The only Asian girls who date guys like this…

…are these kind of Asian girls…

The thing is…I like most of these White guys (barring the fratty, trucker hat types, of course). They’re funny. They’re interesting. They’re not clingy or desperate or insecure. They’re just…cool!

You know it’s hard for me to say that because I’m supposed to hate them and all, but the truth is the truth. They’re pretty damn cool.

Essentially, it’s like this: An Asian girl picks White guy who has eerily similar positive characteristics to the Asian guys she’s known all her life…over Asian guys themselves.

It’s like eating at a Taco Bell when you’re in Mexico. Except at this Taco Bell, the burritos are taller, have more natural charisma, and are generally cooler.

Asian women…to the extent that you understand what this feels like to a collective group of men, perhaps you’ll rethink the pussy label that I know so many of you harbor in some way, shape or form. Just imagine how the local mom and pop taco stand feels when they see a tourist walking into a Taco Bell across the street.

Could Asian men be more aggressive, confident, mysterious, ride a motorcycle and have burly facial hair?

Perhaps, but these are all just a culturally-reinforced—and therefore arbitrary—list of strengths. The same list of traits might be seen negatively in other contexts. Like, I’m pretty sure Asian-American men have the edge over White men in many Latin American countries. (This probably has to do more with the brutal history of colonialism and the fact that they hate gringos. But Chinos? They’re cool.)

I guess if I had a point, it would be this. We Asian men are what we are.

No, we can’t dunk.

Yes, we have spiky hair well into our 30’s.

No, we’re not dark and mysterious.

And yes, we are 5’9-5’10.

But that doesn’t make us pussies. It makes us undervalued gems that would shine in places like Bolivia or Ecuador.

So after months of pondering over this, I finally have a response to BBQ hotshit Asian girl.

Don’t come crying back to us when your insensitive, emotionally distant boyfriend dumps your pork- chomping ass…We don’t want you.

How’s THAT for defensive and hostile?



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10 responses to “Asian Men, White Men and the Asian Woman: Musings of Woe and Hope

  1. susan

    usually you see ugly asians w/ white guys. why? because asian guys don’t want them! white guys think the fugliest asian girls are hot. seriously boggles my mind.
    korean men are hot. you’re hot, chrissy. 😀 i’ve met plenty of aggressive go-getter asians. 😉

  2. susan

    ps. i finally opened up my bottle of vinaigrette. OMG. freaking best vinaigrette ever. miss yooooooou!

  3. Another attractive asian guy

    As an asian guy, I try to run the other ethnicity test, say a Veil of Ignorance about the individual.

    Say, I’m dating an asian girl. If her ethnicity was different, would I still date her? Would she still be cool? A lot of the asian women I meet are vapid, controlling, quiet and sometimes unresponsive.

    Other women don’t have vestiges of their mother deeply ingrained in them. But maybe that’s what a white man needs, an asian mother.

    – 6’0, dark, handsome, chinese guy from California

  4. all I can say to this post is LOL. I like the ending…Keep em coming!

  5. love this!
    this gave me a good laugh “Don’t come crying back to us when your insensitive, emotionally distant boyfriend dumps your pork- chomping ass…We don’t want you.”
    talk about bitter, Chris!! 🙂 but as susan pointed out, some Asian guys just don’t want some Asian girls, so what is a girl to do…but to date outside her race!

    i think you may have been a bit generous with the height though. i’d say asian men – 5’6″- 5’9″ is the range.. 😉


  6. Jin

    Your post was on the money. I’ve thought the same things that you have posted.
    I remember dating Asian women, and she told me how her friends would put asian men down…
    I remember a white coworker tell me how her white female friends would say all these bad things about asian men
    I knew a girl from taiwan, and she told me how her American roommates would say these things about asian men.

    Anyway, I got out of a long term relationship 3 months ago with a asian girl. She wanted to get married, and I would have married her but I couldn’t get over her past. We got into a argument, and it slipped out about how she use to be with a 55 year old white guy. On our first date, I remember she mentioned she was with a european guy as well.
    It didn’t bother me as much, but as the relationship got deeper, we got into a argument. It was a painful breakup. I still love her but I just couldn’t get past the part where she was with white guys. I never had jealousy issues this bad before, but something about her being one of “those” girls that’s sleeped around with white guys I just couldn’t take. I walk around NYC, and seeing the A Girl, W Guy couples and how she acts just really dissappoints me.
    I remember her parents use to cook for me, and how I loved looking into her eyes but it was all ruined. We’ve both been scarred deeply from our relationship.

  7. love ur entries…will be back for more! 🙂

  8. White Guy

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I used to hate my father for years and couldn’t stand the thought of becoming like him, but he was the smartest person I knew. As I got older I asked my self if I would follow the ways of a lesser individual or learn, take lessons, and in some cases follow in the footsteps of a man much smarter and fare wiser than myself. Eventually I learned to love him and now I think we even enjoy each others company. You have to learn to love someone weather or not you feel apathy for them. But you know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. :p

  9. AffofTinc

    Hey, the content is extremely helpful to me. I definitely will continue to keep a close eye on your blog. Please do update.

  10. thetardisgirl

    I had no idea that Asian guys think like that! Whenever I see an Asian and white couple, the only thing likely to cross my mind is that they’ll have really cute children. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe I’m too white-washed, but jealousy/inadequacy doesn’t even enter into the equation.

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