My Bold and Future Wifey

Based on just my observations, guys strike out about 86% of the time they try to pick up on girls. It’s a combination of things, really. First, of course, a lot of guys just aren’t very good at it—more Steve Urkel than Stefan Urquelle. Second, girls are often in lockdown mode—will not drink, in no mood for boyish nonsense, dancing with the girl friends only—type of lockdown.

But every so often you get a guy, let’s call him Swag McFly, who works the situation like a golden god. He’s confident but not arrogant, funny but not an ass, asks good questions, listens more than he talks, and doesn’t seem desperate.You can tell a lot about Swag based on this very first impression.

It really is one of the big advantages of being a girl. In a conventional boy pursues girl scenario: 1) Boy puts himself in vulnerable position by making his feelings known. 2) Girls play judge, jury, and executioner without having to show her hand.

It’s a classic power play and the girls hold all the cards.

But let me ask you…would it be the same thing if the tables were turned?

If let’s say the girl was in the power-less position. If she approached a guy with boldness and self-assuredness, would that speak to her character? In other words, is it positive for her as it would be for a guy?

To me, the answer was an unconditional yes. Secretly, I told myself that if a girl ever came up to me and told me that she was attracted, that she wanted to dance or have a drink sometime, I’d have to give it a shot. I mean, how could you not right?

That would be a girl who has confidence and a no-nonsense approach to life that belies womanish notions of games and seduction. Straight-forwardness is often a positive trait assigned to good men, why not for good women? If she had the inner-sauce to introduce herself, put herself in that position to get to know me…I don’t think I’d be able to pass that up.

You show me a girl who can talk to me like that and I’ll show you my future wife, I used to say.

For me, this scenario existed strictly in the hypothetical domain. I never thought I’d get a chance to see it actually play out.

But a few weeks ago, I was in Brooklyn with my friend Maria to push the census in Chinatown. Before we got started, we found a moment to just relax on one of the benches outside. It was just us and a long row of empty benches.

A long row of empty benches

That’s why it was so strange when a shy, quiet little girl came up and asked if she could sit next to me.

She sat down right up on my arm. Like RIGHT UP on my arm. It was a LONG bench, people…and there were A LOT of empty benches. She sat down so that our thights were touching.

If that wasn’t awkward enough, she didn’t say a word. She just sort of sat there and stared out into space. As I’m doing my best to ignore this strange girl, she taps me on the shoulder. She motions with her hand if I could take her picture.

Picture? Sure. No problem. Where’s your camera?

She pulls this out:

I mean, this thing didn’t look like it could dial a number much less take a picture.

By now it’s clear that she doesn’t know any English. I try to explain to her that Nokias made before 1995 don’t have camera functions.

She points at me.

You want my phone?

She nods.

Uhh…ok. I can take a picture of you with my camera…

Maria, my ever helpful friend, seemed to understand that what she really wanted… was a picture with me.

Ohhhh….OH! I realized (a bit late) that this was the exact scenario I’d been waiting for. I almost missed it if it hadn’t been for my ever helpful friend Maria.

So as Maria was taking our picture, I took a moment to fully appreciate and soak in the situation. Here was this girl who didn’t even know me and was willing to put herself on the line. She didn’t know my language and she saw that I was hanging out with another girl but none of that seemed to matter. She didn’t look it, but let me tell you…this girl was bold.

After we took the picture, I could have ignored her. But I told myself that if I was ever on the power side of this equation that I’d handle it with grace, I’d handle it was class, and I’d give it a fair shot. Do unto others as you would have others do to you, as Jesus used to say.

I asked her what her name was. She didn’t respond but she began typing on her Nokia.

Slowly and over the course of about 4 minutes, she typed: Shiolleth.

Oh…um…HI! Shio…Shiolleth. What a…what a pretty name! My name is Chris.

She nodded and smiled. OK. I was getting through to her.

I looked around and noticed that there were a lot of Chinese people playing Badminton. Some sort of tournament, apparently.

Are you here to watch the Badminton tournament? I pointed.

She shook her head no.

Oh, are you planning to play? I motioned the swinging of the racket.

She shook her head no. But she pointed at me and said, “I play with you.”

My ever helpful friend Maria was on the opposite side of the bench sniggering this whole time. But when Shiolleth said that, Maria couldn’t help but let out a squealish laugh.

That’s when Shiolleth gave her the Vulcan death stare. It was straight up, “Bitch, this doesn’t concern you.” This girl had some mean fight in her, let me tell you.

After that, I ran out of things to say and we both sort of sat there, saying nothing. She didn’t move and stared out into space. Then, all of a sudden, without any prompting, she bolted right out of her seat, said she’d be right back, and then scurried off like her house was on fire.

And that was it.

So…my first encounter with an aggressive woman didn’t pan out exactly how I wanted it to. She didn’t know English, she stared down my friend, she had a whack-ass phone, and by the looks of it, she couldn’t be older than 15.

But hey, who am I to judge? She showed a lot of guts coming up to me…no fear. She had that swag, self-confidence and a sense of knowing exactly what she wanted and then going out there and grabbing it. Kudos to her.

I once said, show me a girl who has all of that, and I’ll show you my future wife.

I’m a man of my word.

Ladies and gentlemen, my future wife, Shiolleth.

Shiolleth, if you read this CALL me. You have my number.



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2 responses to “My Bold and Future Wifey

  1. susan

    Omggggggg why didn’t you tell me this 9 months agoooooo. HaHA. 😛
    I swear I’ve seen that girl before! Lol so cute! 😀
    Can’t wait to see you chrisssy!

  2. Elisabeth

    congratulations on your pending nuptials Chris! Just don’t get yourself into trouble for picking up on a 15-year old please!

    as to your musings on bold women, let’s just consider what most men take that as a sign of (cough*easy*ahem) and you’ll understand why many of us are not as bold as Shiolleth

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