Southern California > New York (in April)

<groggy>

Sweatpants: Hmmmm?! huh? Hello?

Me: Hey. Sorry to wake you up.

Sweatpants: What month is it?

Me: It’s uh…it’s still April.

Sweatpants: April?! April what?

Me: April 29…

Sweatpants: What the hell are you waking me up for??

Me: Well, I need you.

Sweatpants: What do you mean you need me?!…I’m hibernating for God’s sakes! I’m not supposed to see your ugly mug til’ November.

Me: I know! I know…we talked about this though. I told you this might happen.

Sweatpants: Look, I don’t care where we are, I’m going back to sleep. Your skinny ass legs can freeze for all I care.

Me: C’mon. It’s not my fault that the weathers like this here. If you think about it, you’ve been pampered all your life. No other sweatpants in the world gets 7 consecutive months off.

Sweatpants: OHHHH…so you’re going to play that card?? You’re gonna throw that in my face?

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just so frackin’ cold at night. No one can keep me warm like you can baby.

Sweatpants: Don’t you  start that sweet talk with me. Look, even if I wanted to, my threads can’t handle this on again off again action. I just can’t. I need my beauty rest.

Me: How bout I make it worth your while?

Sweatpants: What do you have in mind?

Me: How bout, I start wearing some new boxers you can flirt with.

Sweatpants: I’m listening.

Me: Brand new Hanes.  I can get em tomorrow. You guys can hit it off…you know, get real cozy…then who knows?

Sweatpants: Listen partner, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than Hanes if you’re gonna get me into bed.

Me: Well, what would you prefer?

Sweatpants: Silk. I want some silk action.

Me: You dirty son of a bitch. You know I can’t sleep in silk.

Sweatpants: Those are my terms. Take it or leave.

Me: Goddamn it sweatpants! If my room wasn’t so cold, I’d chuck you in the dryer right now…

Sweatpants: Then where would you be? Freezing your ass off with dem half-pants you call shorts.

Me: FINE.

Sweatpants: Silk?

Me: Yes

Sweatpants: I want to hear you say it.

Me: SILK! OK? GEEZ.

Sweatpants: Ok then.

Me: Fine.

Sweatpants: You know this is stupid right?

Me: Couldn’t agree with you more.

Sweatpants: How are your Lakers doing?

Me: so-so. Better than the Dodgers.

Sweatpants: Who or what is a Dodger?

Me: Just…just shut up and get on.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Southern California > New York (in April)

  1. Jenny

    can i say that I absolutely loved this story!!! having fun with your pants i see…hahaha!!!

  2. Jacqueline

    you’re awesome. your sweatpants need a break from ny… which means you need to take them back to socal.

  3. dLuv

    A fellow conversationalist with inanimate objects. Yay. (^________________^)

  4. This is when you should suck it up and go buy a pair of sweats from NY.

  5. kim kim

    Your sweatpants are too high maintenance. you should think about investing in some humble longjohns

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