The End is Near

We have an odd and rather morbid fascination with the apocalypse. It seems that every year, there’s at least one blockbuster movie playing up the “World is at an End” motif. Just off the top of my head: Terminator 2, Independence Day, Armageddon, Deep Impact, End of Days, The Day the Earth Stood Still, 28 Days Later, The Matrix, I am Legend and so on and so on and so on and so on.

This year is no different with the release of “2012” based on the Mayan prediction that the world will come to an end on December 21st, 2012 (12-21-12).

If memory serves me correctly, there’s been a few times in my brief life when the world was supposed to end.  There was Y2K of course, when computers were supposed to rise up and eat us.  There were those crazy Zetas, who warned that the Earth would stop rotating on its axis in 2003.  Most recently, a British group by the name of “The Lord’s Witnesses” promised that a final World War would destroy Earth on March 21, 2008.

These nuts have real balls.  If I were a delusional Nostradamus wannabe I’d pick a date like 2505 when I know for sure I wouldn’t be around. These Zetas and Lord’s Witnesses…what do they do now?  Did they all go back to their alpaca farms? Were they like…”Woe to you Jupiter’s moon! My life has been one big lie!” How many do you figure broke into investment banking, realizing that they’ve got to shine it on for just a while longer than expected?

The Book of Revelations promises signs for the coming apocalypse (see The Four Horsemen).  I’m a Christian, but at the same time I’m a skeptic.  Not about God’s ability to send us real and discernable signs. No, I’m skeptical about all those loonies who see the image of Jesus in their McSkillet Burritos.

But I have to admit that with 12-21-12 quickly approaching, I was a bit rattled when I heard the following news (as sure a sign of the apocalypse as I’ve ever seen):

The Oprah Winfrey Show to End September 2011

Said Winfrey: “I love this show. This show has been my life. And I love it enough to know when it’s time to say goodbye. Twenty-five years feels right in my bones, and it feels right in my spirit. It’s the perfect number—the exact right time. So I hope that you will take this 18-month ride with me right through to the final show.”

Winfrey continued, “So, the countdown to the end of The Oprah Winfrey Show starts now, and until that day in 2011 when it ends, I intend to soak up every meaningful, joy-filled moment with you.”

And so the countdown to the end of days has begun. So allow me to make MY predictions

On that fateful day, a couple things will happen. As soon as the curtain drops on her final show, Oprah will be beamed up to a spacecraft waiting to take her to New Earth located in the EL-RAM X System.

The rest of us will devolve into something like the following (just imagine a horde of dazed and purposeless women in place of the zombies).

Fill your canteens now, people.  Nuclear winter is coming.


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