Sunday Reflection 10-18-09

All my life, I’ve been waiting for you to come and perfect me. I got tired of waiting so I went about becoming perfect myself. I got up every morning and I brushed my teeth to prevent cavities. I buttoned my shirt one by one. I dressed to impress. I became a positive person through sheer grit and determination! My posture was corrected and every step that I took bore purpose.

Under the weight of perfection, I began to crumble. Life became a sieve as the important people and relationships and places and thoughts drifted in and out of consciousness, never holding much water…draining down and down and down.

Under my eyes, dark, concentric circles began to form, but still I made my perfect smile, with my perfect lips. And my hair parted perfectly to the side.

And then.

I slipped. At first just a little, I slipped.  I looked around and no one noticed.  And the exhilaration was on me in an instant. Bright lights and booze…women, cards, power, seduction, smoky rooms and parlors, shady alleys, and fast cars, the fast life, the freedom. It came upon me as if it were lurking in the shadows all along.

And into the shadows I went.

I had been waiting my whole life to be perfect. I was waiting for YOU and where were you? Asleep in the garden, I presume? Too busy tending to your sheep, I’m guessing? I groomed myself for you and all I got in return was…what exactly?

Now look where I am! In the shadow. In shame and in a state of pure imperfection. Broken pieces of a prom king. F MY LIFE!

And then.

The recognition came swiftly like a lamp upon my feet and a mist against my skin. You were here at last. I was searching high for you, on the tips of my toes, back straight and my neck craned upward. But it was on my knees where I finally found your dwelling place.

A great irony exists and its this. I spent my life purging weakness in my search for you and now I collect them as witnesses to your presence. For a while I would curse my shame, my fallenness, my ash and my sickness. Now, they make me whole.

I spent a life being strong to find perfection. But in my weakness, I find perfection at last.

If I had known that you were on the other side of shadows, I would have slung myself to the abyss, into the shadows for you, my love.


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