When I was a child, I took classes in the Korean martial art-form known as Taekwondo. One of the first things they teach you in Taekwondo is how to throw a punch. Thumbs on the outside, wide stance, come across your body and then the key element…the scream.
Yes, according to the ancient martial art known as Taekwondo, a punch accompanied by a scream increases power by 60%.
But you know, I’m a kid right? It’s a bit embarrassing the first time they tell you. “NO! You must scream louder when you punch!” So they have you do these exercises where you punch three times, each time shouting the incantations of TAEK! WON! DO!
Yes, it was embarrassing. But after a while it becomes primal and second nature. A punch and a YAHHH! It feels liberating. The soul and all your vitality gushing forth in a raw display of both physical and verbal VIGOR! RAWRRRR!! WARRIOR!
I say this as a preface to a new component I’m installing to the blog. The Punch list.
First, a question: Is there anyone…maybe someone you know: a celebrity, a politician, teacher, or childhood bully who, if you ever saw them…you would just punch in the face? Just a carnal PUNCH to the face and felt absolutely justified in doing so?
I’m a peace loving individual. In fact, I’ve only thrown one punch in my life and that was at Jerry Wu in the 7th grade. (He was making fun of a girl I liked and he learned the hard way not to mess with my women.)
Despite this, I have three people who if I ever saw in person…without equivocation or hesitation I would punch in the face.
1. Jesse McCartney- GRANTED, he is all grown up now. Many of you might not even remember him. But I do. Yeats spoke wistfully of unrequited love in his homeland of Ireland. Wordsworth and Coleridge exchanged masterful epistles that espoused the value of male friendship. Shakespeare wrote love sonnets that endure to this day. And who do we have? 17-year-old pimply faced Jesse McCartney singing…AND I QUOTE:
“I don’t want another pretty face.
I don’t want just anyone to hold
I don’t want my love to go to waste.
I want you and your beautiful soul”
Jesse, I mean…let’s be real here. If you were a normal kid going to a high school and some guy came up to you and said. “Dude, that girl…I want her for her beautiful soul.” What would you do? You would punch him in the face right? Don’t be a hypocrite and please…the next time you see yourself in the mirror, save me the trouble and just punch yourself in the face.
2. William Hung
One small step backwards for Asians…One giant leap backwards for Asian men. So he embarrassed himself on national TV. Ok, it happens. We Asian men aren’t the coolest guys and we probably shouldn’t be doing karaoke night at the local bar much less auditioning for American Idol. But what happened afterwards? He made commercials. He made music videos. He made a goddamn William Hung Greatest Hits CD. With every “La Vida Loca”, with every awkward movement of the hips, with every cross-eyed, buck-toothed stare into the camera, William Hung shattered the bamboo floorboard. He brought us all down. And for that William Hung, your ugly-ass mug will meet the other end of this fist.
3. Paris Hilton- I would never hit a woman. Even Paris Hilton. It’s what Paris Hilton represents. We have world hunger, poverty, human trafficking, genocide, guerilla warfare, global warming, and an AIDS epidemic…no one gives a SHIT about your new fragrance, Paris. Or your new line of maxi pads. Or your new “reality” show. I feel like as a country, we’ve lost touch with what Reality really means. For all the dumbness, superficiality, self-centeredness, and wispy moral fabric that you’ve wrought on this country Paris, you will be punched. Come on folks, let’s punch Dumbness right in the jaw.
The beautiful thing about sharing all this is that my fist becomes OUR fist. My punch becomes OUR punch. And the forces of dumb lyrics, dumb opportunists, and dumb useless humans will feel our collective wrath.
SO WITH THAT.
I have the honor of introducing the first official Figs and Fodder entrant into the 2009 Punch List!!!
Former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards!!!
Mr. Edwards is very much deserving of this dubious award. His list of accomplishments include:
- Having an affair while running for Vice-President of the United States.
- Having an affair on his wife…WHO HAS CANCER.
- Asking his aide, Andrew Young, to take the fall and say that he FATHERED THE CHILD OF HIS MISTRESS!
- Telling his mistress, Rielle Hunter, that he would marry her…AFTER HIS WIFE DIED OF CANCER!
Thank you John, for restoring our faith in the sleazy, lying son-of-a-bitch politician.
YOU ARE NEXT!