It’s been a crazy week at the UN. On the top of Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s agenda was global climate change. There were Tibetan, Burmese, and Georgian protesters outside the building while Obama spoke eloquently about nuclear-non proliferation.
But there’s one item on the international policy agenda that continues to elude Presidents, ambassadors, and dignitaries alike for decades now. Smart, smart people have tried and failed (and even died) to resolve this one singular objective. I will enter the fray now and offer a pragmatic and rational solution to this international gridlock.
Peace in the Middle East.
(President) Ahmadinejad blasted the West and the Zionist usurpers. Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu fired back with a fiery polemic against the evil Iranian regime.
(Meanwhile, Libyan President Qadhafi was ranting about jet leg and trying to find his tent in Bedford.)
C’mon. Can’t we all just get along?
I mean, if you really think about it…it’s not that hard, this whole peace thing.
Consider a hypothetical question to illustrate my point: What would you do if you lived in a neighborhood where everyone hated you? In fact, they would kill you and your entire family if it wasn’t for your giant guard dog.
You would move right? I know I sure as hell would. Granted, it would suck to leave a Holy land. Holy lands have a lot going for them. For instance, it’s land that’s Holy. Your apple tree would be Holy. Your front yard would be Holy. Your ROOF would be Holy. You just can’t find holiness on the housing market these days.
But let’s consider history, shall we? Since its birth in 1948, Israel has had violent conflicts with pretty much all its neighbors, Syria, Jordan, Palestine, Iraq, Egypt and Lebanon. Ahmadinejad, who publicly called Israel a stinking corpse, called for its extermination. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but nuclear weapons in the hands of a short, bearded madman will lead to a second Holocaust.
If you watched “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” (Adam Sandler), you know that Israelis can fight. And cut hair. But let’s be real. Without the solid backing of the United States, the Holy Land would become a hole-in-the-land.
This support has led to a lot of burning American flags and flying footwear in the Middle East.
This will always be the major impediment to amelioration between West and East. So what can be done?
My solution is elegant in its simplicity. I propose that we trade for Israel. It happens in the sports world all the time, so why not here? The trade would work something like this. The state of Israel will retain its autonomy somewhere in the US. To make room, we offer the Middle East one of our states. We have like 50, so I don’t see this as a big deal.
The trick, of course, is finding a US state that might go along with this. Allow me to make some suggestions:
1. New Jersey– Everyone, for some reason, makes fun of New Jersey. “Armpit of America” and “New York’s toilet” are some of the unfortunate monikers dumped on this poor state. I’m from California so the only thing I know about Jersey is Tony Soprano. I got nothing against Jersey. But if I got crap like this from the rest of the country, I’d want to leave. Good luck in the Middle East, New Jersey. I hope your new friends show you the respect that you deserve.
2. Montana– Though my heart would break for the 36 people we’d lose from this great state, I think world peace is worth it in the end.
3. Iowa– Have you met someone from Iowa before? They are the nicest people on the planet. How can you hate them? I can think of no state more well-disposed to diffuse the tensions in the Middle East. Because there’s no nuclear arms race so big that a good peach cobbler couldn’t solve.
4. Alaska– Sarah Palin seems to think that Alaska is the last line of defense against Russia. I don’t know about you, but I’m more scared of a nuclear Iran than I am of Mr. Putin. Send that moose huntin’, snowmobile ridin’ soccer mom to the Middle East and let’s watch all the knee slappin’, gosh-darn-them-terrorists gee-whiz the tooshie out of them…Oh, You Betcha!
5. Texas– There have been whispers of secession from the Lone Star state. Really, Texas? You want to leave? Go ahead. I have a better idea. Why don’t you go to the Middle East, set up a ranch on the Golan Heights, throw a rodeo in the West Bank and dub George W. Bush your new king. He’s always had an itch to invade the Middle East.
Long Live the King. And may God grant us world peace.